Red flags when choosing a therapist or coach.

Healing can become a treadmill of the latest gurus, sugar coated self-help or just a long line of bad therapists or coaches. A great story on social media grabs our attention especially when we are feeling vulnerable.

"Follow THREE secret rules to release your trauma" "I can change your life in THREE easy steps", "I was at rock botton and now I earn six figures from my living room." "My 12 week programme to cure ADHD." "A diet to cure autism"... why wouldn't they work for you?

Here are some of the red flags that I as a psychologist, therapist, trainer of therapists and recipient of therapy watch out for.

• A young driven professional, inexperienced in life, text book approach. This therapist may be acceptable as a first line of approach, to listen if you need to vent, but listening is a small part of therapy, IT IS NOT THERAPY. When we are in crisis we need direction, role modelling, ideas for growth, tools to help us navigate life's challenges and wisdom to give us perspective. The greatest therapists are extraordinary listeners, but extraordinary listeners don't make great therapists.

• The suggestion that one hour a week is necessary. This is an arbitrary recommendation. It allows a therapist to make a living but is not always good therapy.

• One trick pony. A therapist who applies one approach to every life situation even when a different approach would be more effective. Abraham Maslow, suggested that "If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail". 

• Power dynamics. Therapists have a lot to prove to themselves and often to the world. Many therapists enter the healing professions because they too are wounded. They can transfer this wound onto others, typically wanting to heal others without doing the work themselves. This is potentially a very dangerous connection. The opposite of LOVE is POWER, if we have not learned to love ourselves and the world around us, we use power. Many wounded healers are in fact power seeking individuals who will harm others without exception.

• Qualifications do not make the therapist. Being a therapist is character driven, no matter how many qualifications we seek, we cannot turn ourselves into a therapist. Most therapists are wounded, gaining a qualification will not heal them, they need to have done their work. Ask you therapist about their daily routine. Ask them about how they live their life. Ask them about their psychological, biological and spiritual health. We are not looking for perfection but you want to know they are walking their talk

• Lack of connection. Ultimately we want to feel safe. Our nervous system feels comfortable with some nervous systems over others. This is influenced by qualities, shared values, background and experiences. Check out their website, what they do and what they love.

This relationship can make or break you. If you are going to invest in yourself and your future be sure to look beyond the 'professional' mask.