Is neurodivergence fast becoming your sole identity?

Many of us late discovered neurodivergent women "masked" so well, we even fooled ourselves. We repeatedly blamed ourselves for our lifelong struggles basing our identity on being: flawed, broken, too much, not enough, lazy, disorganised, anxious, too sensitive, chaotic, neurotic, sensitive, imposter, fraud, daydreamer, undisciplined, and psycho. I could go on!

Not surprisingly we kept so much of ourselves in the dark, hiding behind a shiny facade we showed to the world. It’s why late discovery of neurodivergence can feel like a transformative experience for so many.

Finally we have an explanation for those years of trying to please the world at our expense.

Finally we feel validated after decades of gaslighting by medics, therapists and others.

Finally we witness the invisible burdens of living in a mainstream neurotypical culture.

Finally we realise how self-abandonment is the root of so much internal chaos and burnout.

Finally we are incapable psychotic crazies…we are simply wired differently.

The relief is palpable.

We begin to re-evaluate our past experiences through a new lens. We join neurodivergent communities, connect with other neurodivergent women in real life, listen to podcasts on neurodivergence and follow neurodivergent influencers on social media. We stop masking and despite making a few mistakes along the way we are happy to finally have clarity and willingly share and celebrate our new found identity. Our wellbeing and health improves and all seems well. We build our identity passionately around neurodivergence.

"I'm ADHD so .…”

"I'm autistic so…”

“I'm AuDHD so…”

I did this myself in the beginning thankfully having spent 30+ years as a psychologist I quickly realised the downside.

We are so much more than our neurodivergence.

There beauty in recognising our diversity but freedom comes when we allow ourselves to shift rather than hold onto a fixed position. Sadly this is how we become exaggerated and lopsided caricatures of ourselves.

Of course there are times when the neurodivergent part of us must lead. She after all carries the pure gold of our sensitivity, creativity, intuition and straight talking. She is our ability respond in the moment, to notice the truths, behaviours, patterns and vibes that others miss or ignore. And she also carries the shadow aspects of ourselves. The intensity, distractibility, years of repression, our patterns of people pleasing, belonging, safety and unhealthy coping strategies that once soothed our internal chaos. If we are not careful these shadow parts will continue to dominate our psyche.

Freedom comes when we embrace who we are fully at our core all of those part of us, this is how we grow in wisdom, purpose and aliveness.

This does not mean we stay silent about the things that matter or allow others to gaslight or discriminate against us any more. But it does mean we no longer rely on our surviver self, developing into “she who thrives” whole, vital, our authentic rare and beautiful self.

Ultimately the extent to which we identify with our neurodivergence is a personal choice. We are shaped by the environment around us…race, gender, socio economic reality, communities and importantly the five people we spend the most time with.

There are also some who are hesitant to accept their neurodivergence because of the degree to which they have been bullied, discriminated against and the existing stigma coming from government and other groups.