Thoughts on neurodivergence in women and loneliness.

Carl Jung said, "Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you." Physical company is never the issue. The deepest form of loneliness is felt because we struggle to connect to ourselves. Some of the experiences that affect us as neurodivergent women include:

Object permanence and object constancy

Neurodivergent women can struggle with both of these because of sensory processing issues. For many of us the phrase "Out of sight, out of mind" resonates and psychologically relates to both object constancy and object permanence.

Object permanence is a cognitive developmental milestone, typically achieved by children between 8-12 months. A child begins to understand that objects and people continue to exist even when they are not physically seen, heard, or touched. A baby who lacks object permanence will think a person playing peek-a-boo has vanished forever.

Object Constancy is the adults ability to maintain an active mental representation and emotional connection to objects, tasks, or people when they are not physically present or immediately visible. Neurodivergent women often prefer to keep their possessions in plain site otherwise we forget about them. Same with our relationships.

Other women

We can struggle to bond with groups of women especially those who conform to a set of social of societal norms. Communication in women is often riddled with social nuances, facial expressions, tone of voice and a focus on topics that hold no interest. Women are more expressive of their emotions than men and this can be draining for our sensitive nervous system. Speaking from personal experience I worked in a predominantly male enviroment for almost twenty years and felt at home successfully working with groups of male leaders. The first time I ran a womens group my social battery burnt out. It took days to recover. I struggled to connect with the conversations, their topics of chit chat and could not be myself to find a way to engage.

Fitting in

Every human being has a basic need to belong it and we will do anything to meet this. Many of us have masked for decades adjusting ourselves to please people at our expense. We have conformed out of fear social rejection. Rejection (especially RSD) registers as a physical pain on our senses. The first time we felt it can leave a scar that remains with us and can colour the way we interact. This can be an adaptive coping mechanism to avoid the pain of rejection. Over time it literally shuts down the dorsal ventral part of our nervous system and we can spiral into a depressive or freeze state.

Untimately we can only be ourselves and despite mainstream pop psychology actively encourages us to fake it 'til you make it the cost for neurodivergent women considerable. Our sensitive brain and nervous system recognises the internal chaos and this leads to the classic crash and burnout cycle of neurodivergence. It's also thought to be one of the causes behind the high rate of autoimmune conditions in women.

Co-regulation

We are wired for co-regulation. We have no means of regulating our own nervous sytem as a baby relying on rhythm, movement, warm bodies, heart beats and the nervous system of other people. Our body feels safe by how comfortable and familiar something feels. Ideally our caregivers help us to manage our feelings of distress through modelling calm and responsive interactions that soothe us. This helps us to manage our own emotions. Sadly many of us grow up with an absence of care or worse still, we experience abuse. Our nervous system is drawn to recreate patterns and as we mature in to adulthood we can often seek these strangely familar but unhelpful relations. Intensity may be a marker and once this disappear the connection begins to feel tenuous. Quite honestly there is nothing more lonely than being in an intimate relationship or friendship when you know you should leave.

Interoception

Loneliness is distressing arising from unmet needs. It is the gap between what we want or expect and what we get, driving an emotional response towards connection.

Interoception (internal body signals) can be confusing for neurodivergent women. Sometimes the intensity of our feelings can lead us to relationships, group or culture that feels toxic, equally the corollory is true, we can sometimes disregard relationships that lack intensity. There are practices that can help but we also have to remember a sensation is just a sensation, your attention goes where you decide. For us it may be a little more difficult at times for us but we don't have to feel shitty about it...it's not a fact just a perception. With practice we can learn to more accurately attune to, interpret and respond to sensory experiences. We can learn to build genuine relationships with a place, person or thing. Sensory connection is not a performance but something that can be built over time.

The story in our head

Solitude is not the same as loneliness, however there is pressure to be 'social' and it can become overwhelming. Saying 'no' does not make you selfish, wierd, weak or doomed to a life of isloation forever. Sometimes a cottage in the woods speaks to our soul! There is nothing as magnetic as a self-contained woman oozing passion and purpose.