Neurodivergence, loneliness and what to do about it.

Carl Jung said, "Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you." Physical company is never the issue. The deepest form of loneliness is felt because we struggle to connect to ourselves. When clients present in my therapy room, it's often because they feel lonely, have lost their sense of belonging and in need of a tribe. It becomes a journey to get oneself, to know how to belong to oneself. Some of the experiences we discuss include:

Object permanence and object constancy

Undoubtedly we can feel intensity in relationships, but this can disappear any time and the connection feels tenuous. For many of us the phrase "Out of sight, out of mind" resonates and psychologically relates to two concepts, object permanence and object constancy. Neurodivergent women can struggle with both of these because of sensory processing issues. Object permanence is a cognitive developmental milestone, typically achieved by children between 8-12 months. A child begins to understand that objects and people continue to exist even when they are not physically seen, heard, or touched. A baby who lacks object permanence will think a person playing peek-a-boo has vanished forever. Object Constancy is the adults ability to maintain an active mental representation and emotional connection to objects, tasks, or people when they are not physically present or immediately visible. Neurodivergent women often prefer to keep their possessions in plain site otherwise we forget about them. Same with our relationships.

Other women

We can struggle with other women. Women conform to a set of social of societal norms, but, this is hard for us especially if autistic. Communication in women is often riddled with social nuances, facial expressions, tone of voice and a focus on topics that hold no interest. Women are more expressive of their emotions than men and this can be draining for our sensitive nervous system. Speaking from personal experience I worked in a predominantly male enviroment for almost twenty years and felt at home successfully working with groups of male leaders. The first time I ran a womens group my social battery burnt out. It took days to recover. On reflection I struggled to connect with the conversations, chit chat I called it. I could not be myself and ultimately although profitable I had to stop.

Fitting in

Every human being has a basic need to belong it and we will do anything to meet this. Many of us have masked for decades adjusting ourselves to please people at our expense. We fear social rejection, it registers as a physical pain on our senses. The first time we felt it can leave a scar that remains with us and can colour the way we interact and what we believe to be important. The opposite of fitting in social avoidance. This can be an adaptive coping mechanism to avoid the pain of rejection. Over time it literally shuts down the dorsal ventral part of our nervous system and we can spiral into a depressive or freeze state.

Untimately we can only be ourselves and imposter syndrome is a much discussed topic in womens circles.Mainstream pop psychology actively encourages the scenario, fake it to you make it but for neurodivergent women the cost is considerable. Our sensitive brain and nervous system recognises the internal chaos and over time this leads to the classic crash and burnout cycle of neurodivergence. It's also thought to be one of the causes behind the high rate of autoimmune conditions in women. Anais Nin wrote "when one is pretending, our entire body revolts."

Co-regulation

Co-regulations is an important and complex issue. All human beings are wired for co-regulation, however we come into the world without the means of regulating our own nervous sytem. We have to learn it and it can come from a range of things, rhythm, movement, warm bodies, heart beats and the nervous system of other people.

Our body feels safe by how comfortable and familiar something feels. Ideally our caregivers help us to manage our feelings of distress through modelling calm and responsive interactions that soothe us and help us to manage our own emotions. This is often not the case. Many of us grow up where this is absent or even worse still, there is abuse. Our nervous system learns that this is familar and we are drawn recreate this sensation. Of course we know these relationships are not supportive but they are strangely addictive. There is nothing more lonely that being in an intimate relationship or friendship when you know you should leave.

What to do about it?

Yes loneliness is distressing, it is a feeling that results from unmet needs and it can feel painful, for neurodivergent women this can often be extreme sensation. Loneliness is the gap between what we want or expect and what we get, an emotional response designed to drive us towards connection. But not at all costs. If we have to force ourselves to fit into a relationship, group or culture that feels toxic then not fitting in is an act of self-preservation. Our very protective reptilian survival brain and nervous system will put up resistance in the form of withdrawal, tiredness, anxiety or burnout.

Interoception (internal body signals) can be confusing for neurodivergent women. There are practices that can help but we also have to remember a sensation is just a sensation, it doesn't have to make you feel shitty about yourself. Your attention goes where you decide and neurodivergent women are no exception. It may be a little more difficult at times for us ut with practice we can learn to more accurately attune to, interpret and respond to sensory experiences. We are a continual sensory downloading machine a magical side of us that many of us choose to ignore, dismiss or outlaw. Building genuine relationships with a place, person or thing is not a performance but a sensory connection. Abdicating from or abandoning our internal world is building relationships on shaky ground. It should not be surprising when they crumble.

The pressure to be 'social' is looming from childhood and can become overwhelming. Saying 'no' does not make you selfish, wierd, weak or doomed to a life of isloation forever. Sometimes a cottage in the woods speaks to our soul giving us the time to decipher what's important or rediscover the radiant spark within. There is nothing as magnetic as a self-contained woman who oozes vitality, passion and purpose...this is how you attract your tribe.