Autistic, ADHD or AuDHD: The Story You Were Told was a Lie
I have your best intentions in my heart when I say to you...the story you were told about how to live was a lie. I know. It sounds harsh, even more critisim and god only knows you've endured enough.
I want to let you know straight away. It was never your fault. Maybe you grew up in a family where being yourself was met with hostility. Your caregivers, family, friends, teachers, your boss conditioned you. And those who you had hoped would know better, did not.
They have suffered as much as you because as the old wives tale tells us the frog placed in cool water, slowly boilded adjusts to the temperature. It never realises it's being boilded alive.
We all grew ups failing to notice the danger and believed the lie.
At the back of your mind maybe you secretly dream of unlived lives, of being who you truly are. "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." Emerson was right, but this achievement demands a level of honesty that most of us are unwilling or unable to accept.
As a neurodivergent person you have an incredible capacity to detect singals of safety and danger and respond accordingly. In a world where everyone is tense, angry, fearful you become a slave to other people, to those nervous systems around you. We shut ourselves down, ignore our senses and this affects all of the complex systems in our body. We invest so heavily in the outside world, sometimes we barely function, we become robotic.
Psychiatry, medicine, therapy reinforces this. In this individualist culture we are blamed for not fitting in, for being disordered, atypical, abnormal, depressed, or simply too much. It's always our fault.
Your inner voice has been conditioned too, to abandon you. It might be disguised so well. She could souns like good sense, making you believe you are not knowlegeable enough, attractive enough, think enough, normal enough...and really need to listen to someone who is more qualified.
Or that your timing isn't right. As the voice of calm, reason and protection she keeps you safe in an harsh and cruel world by keeping you in endless analysis, excessive caution, perfectionism and indecision.
She tells you, you make so many mistakes, you are incompetent, unloveable and unworthy.
Ultimately our inner voice echos those who suggest we are not ok.
There is also the small matter of intergenerational trauma does not help. The wounds we felt were there before we were born. These emotions were suppressed in our body, making it hard to be ourselves. We were conditioned to breathe shallow, borne into a story we never signed up for.
This next chapter means the guarentees we might have relied on in our past are on shaky ground ahead. That the comfort of knowing is worth less than uncertainty.
That the natural cyle growth is non-linear and actually about finding your own lane. You can keep the old arrangement, life becomes stagnant. It’s hard to move on. Weeks become months, months can become years, years become decades. On your death bed you share the same regrets as those who died before you. " I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. This is the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, they see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled knowing that it was due to the choices they had made, or not made.
Or you can shift into the second half of life accepting that moring we were given a choice, to be carried by the day, or to rise up out of the bullshit and become who we are meant to be.
In the beginning you might feel intense rage over the lie you were told and how you were treated. You might be furious that you were misled and sob uncontrollably, or fanasise about your unlived lives. What this next stage of life needs more than anything is a space where you can gently take off your armour and tenderly become who your body knows you are. Not the one your mind thinks you should be.
This needs to be a space where you can breath deep, pause, listen to your inside and not let the noise of the outside world drown you out. It's also perfectly ok to distance yourself from spaces that demand a version of you that is no longer true. Belonging is not the same as fitting in.
Your aim is to get to the point where you can no longer deny who you are. To love yourself when you fuck up or when you lose your way. To accept your mistakes and that you can be a flawed person and also worthy and great at the same time. To practice choosing to disappoint someone else rather than disappointing yourself again. Your body always knew how to say no, you didn't listen.
To remember that each moring you will be given a choice, to be carried by the day, or to reveal who you are within. Stay in your own lane, do not compare yourself to others and make the decision to rise up out of the lies and bullshit. Create your path to stop living inside the lie.
The first test is tomorrow morning. Do not adorn yourself in same old stories as today. Those stories torment and cast spells, destroying yourself day by day.
Tomorrow moring, maybe forgive yourself for how you chose to survive.
You have been through so much. Your nervous sytem has been through so much.
No more pretending, cry life back into your body.
Healing means taking an honest look at yourself and the role you played in your own suffering.
And forsaking the lie, you path is to understand the world is full of magic things patiently waiting for your senses to grow sharper (WB yeats). To focus on what matters, what you love. Magic, adventure, truth, beauty, art and freedom. To breathe deep and feel alive.
The ending of your story is not written yet. There is only one story, to find your own lane.
"Their practice did not involve being outside in the sun where you begin to feel better. (...) Instead they would take people one at a time into these dingy little rooms and have them sit around for an hour or so and talk about bad things that had happened to them. We had to ask them to leave."
Self Doubt
Self doubt is sneaky, usually disguised as an inner voice that sounds like good sense: someone else is more qualified. The timing isn't right. Better to wait until you're sure. The voice is calm, reasonable, protective. "It may in part be a record of what we've already faced, teaching us that staying out of sight keeps us safe. But a strategy that once protected us can become an invisible prison, keeping us in endless analysis, excessive caution, perfectionism and indecision
Life becomes stagnant and it’s hard to move on. Weeks become months, months can become years, years become decades.
For many women, midlife is when the energy that went into managing the self doubt, and the mask that came with it, begins to run low. It is the point where the old arrangement stops working and surfaces what we have ignored or suppressed for too long.
In depth psychology this is a natural part of personal growth, the lifelong, non-linear journey of becoming our true self. As we move from the first half into the second half of life our focus shifts inward we search for meaning.
This type of growth requires that we move forward without the knowledge or guarantees that we may have relied on in the past and willingly step into the Better the shaky ground of uncertainty than suffocating self doubOne of my favorite therapy-critical stories was Andrew Solomon's experience learning about the response to Western therapists in Rwanda after the genocide. His full report sadly doesn't seem to be online anymore, but this article mentions it:
“Westerners were optimistically hoping they could heal what had gone wrong,” says Solomon. “But people who hadn’t been through the genocide couldn’t understand how bad it was and their attempts to reframe everything were somewhere between offensive and ludicrous. The Rwandan felt that the aid workers were intrusive and re-traumatising people by dragging them back through their stories.”
As the Rwandan, paraphrased by Solomon, puts it: “Their practice did not involve being outside in the sun where you begin to feel better. There was no music or drumming to get your blood flowing again. There was no sense that everyone had taken the day off so that the entire community could come together to try to lift you up and bring you back to joy. Instead they would take people one at a time into these dingy little rooms and have them sit around for an hour or so and talk about bad things that had happened to them. We had to ask them to leave.”
Lets begin with biological mechanims known to drive ADHD symptoms in women.
Firstly the HPA axis, our stress-response and arousal-regulation system. The engine of circadian rhythms, mood, inflamation and metabolism. Specifically the dysregulation of the HPA axis and its downstream arousal–attention networks make homeostatis or calibration of this system harder to achieve and easier to lose in ADHD women.
The key driver of this system is to release cortisol which then feeds back to regulate arousal, motivation and attention. Research is beginning to demonstrate that people with ADHD have atypical HPA axis functioning.
The HPA axis is a kind of organising hub. For example we know that hypoarousal behaviours like hyperactivity or sensation-seeking may be a compensatory responses to under activation of the arousal systems.
However the mainstream narrative is that ADHD is a dopamine dysfunction. Dopamine is a relevant part of arousal but it's only a part of a broader allostatic imbalance. As a result the medical approach still focusses on managing the cognitive effects of ADHD. Stimulant and non-stimulant pharmaceuticals can improve cognitive functioning including focus, reduce impulsivity and control hyperactivity for around 70% of adults (no gender differences reported and no longer terms studies). These improvements affect how we feel about ourselves and can reduce anxiety helping with emotional regulation.
There is a dramatic discontinuity of stimulant and non stimulant medication in women after two years. Reasons given include perceived lack of effectiveness and increase in side-affects.
Responsibly mapping out our individual HPA axis system and the existence of co-occuring conditions (many of which will also affect the autonomic nervous system) may provide us with an alternative pathway to affect hypo and hyper activity. This requires daily monitoring for up to three months of the effects of routines, supplements and lifestyle.
The HPA axis is one loop or pathway in the entire endocrine system. It may be affected by stress, overwhelm, physical activity, blood sugar stability, sensitivity to sex hormone balance and flux and micro nutrient balance including omega- fatty acids, magnesium, glycine, Iron is essential for brain function and dopamine production
B vitamins including B6, B9, and B12, support neurotransmitter production in the brain, Plays a role in brain function and may improve symptoms like impulsivity and hyperactivity.
Saffron which may help to stabilise mood and with sleep and attention
Natural nootropics eg. huperzine A, bacopa monnieri, alpha gpc.
Co-regulation - as sensitive social creatures we are more susceptible to toxic human interaction which dysregulates our nervous systems.
Rituals involving breathwork, mantra, prayer, chanting, drumming and singing not only feel good in the moment but also rewire our nervous system.
Finding ways to enjoy creative pursuits like art, crafting and drama helps. Likewise experiences that are procedural and lack initiative or imagination can drain energy.
Did you know that you can regulate your heart beat with your breath? Down regulate or up regulate. The same with our nervous system? With practice we can calm ourselves in one breath. We can also activate our system with the breath by increasing our heart rate and blood pressure. This relationship between the breath, heart rate, lungs and nervous system is how we balance our bodies and also known as heart rate variability, a significant measure of general health. In fact the breath is now implicated in many aspects of our health and wellbeing, influencing sleep, diet, activity level, stress response, anxiety, emotional regualtion and lots more. Functional lung capacity is also an indicator or longevity.
When you breathe in, your heart rate tends to increase along with a slight rise in blood pressure (really slight), and when you breathe out, both tends to decrease. This natural variation in heart rate during the breathing cycle is known as respiratory sinus arrhythmia (RSA) and is a manifestation of the interaction between the heart and the autonomic nervous system and the heart and the lungs work together to maintain balance in our bodies. This change in breathing/heart rate is healthy and indicates a flexible and responsive autonomic nervous system.
Some people may mistakenly think we need a steady and consistent heart rate which is not entirely true, though of course we don’t want a disregulated heart rate or breathing pattern on a daily basis pr when at rest. The reason that that's not realistic to try to have one consistent rate, is that it's natural that when we exert ourselves or put our bodies under stress, our heart rate will increase to help us initiate other systems in the body to support us in managing the ‘stressor'. That stress can be voluntary (exercise, altitude, effort etc) or involuntary (trauma, acute stress without anticipating it etc). In elected stress situations, we would then expect a relatively easy and smooth return to regulation to take place. The problems start to happen when we can't re-regulate comfortably and quickly once the stressful situation has ended.
The pace and depth of your breathing influence the duration of each breathing cycle (i.e., one inhalation and exhalation = 1 cycle) and consequently the intervals between heartbeats. Slow, deep, diaphragmatic breathing is associated with a longer exhalation phase, which can lead to increased Heart Rate Variability and a more coherent heart rhythm. Learning to consciously slow the breath is helpful when so many people are habitually over breathing/shallow breathing daily!
Slow, controlled breathing, especially with that emphasis on extending the exhalation, stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system. This PNS activation promotes relaxation, reduces stress, and enhances the rest-and-digest response; as a result, heart coherence is promoted.
As we said earlier, although it may sound counter-intuitive, a healthy heart does not beat at a perfectly regular interval and typically there are slight variations in the timing between beats eg., during exercise, sleep, meditation, exertion etc it will vary. This is good and demonstrates that we are moving between different aspects of our nervous system in healthy ways because our heart rate variability is influenced by the direct interplay between the sympathetic (fight-or-flight) and parasympathetic (rest-and-digest) branches of the autonomic nervous system.
There are several major benefits to coming into coherence through our breathing:
Emotional Regulation: Heart coherence is often linked with positive emotions such as love, gratitude, and compassion. It is thought to help regulate emotional responses, reduce anxiety, and enhance emotional resilience.
Stress Reduction: Practices that promote heart coherence can lead to decreased levels of the stress hormone cortisol and overall relaxation of the nervous system.
Cognitive Clarity: Heart coherence is believed to improve cognitive function, leading to enhanced decision-making, problem-solving, and mental clarity.
Physical Health: Consistently experiencing heart coherence may have positive effects on cardiovascular health, immune function, and overall well-being.
Functional breathing refers our day to day breathing and the things that help us optimise it. It's typically used in sports performance and altitude training (Oxygen Advantage), or for support with conditions such as sleep apnoea, COPD/ lung disease, long Covid, or asthma in its Buteyko form.
Functional breathing plays a crucial role in influencing heart coherence (see above) through its impact on the autonomic nervous system, specifically the balance between the sympathetic and parasympathetic branches, and the activation of vagal tone (which we will cover in another post) and the way the body communicates through the network of nerves in our body out into the peripheral nervous system.
Shallow breathing or hyperventilation breathing will, over time, have an enormous impact on many areas of our wellbeing but it’s something we can intentionally correct and learn to regulate. We need to be breathing well for our oxygenated blood to be delivered (by our Co2 & nitric oxide produced in the nose = nose breathing is best day to day!) to our vital organs and across our blood brain barrier. Experiencing brain fog? Could be a lack of oxygen getting to where it needs to go.
There are a range of breathing techniques which can modulate this balance and promote an intentional state of heart coherence, which in turn regulate blood pressure, hormonal activation, and heart rate in general, improving our response patterns to life and all it throws at us! We shift from re-activity to choice and response.
Better breathing = better health = better life…..what do you think?
Check out our instagram for more breathing tips!
Different techniques can shift the balance: longer exhalations increase parasympathetic activity, while some rapid breathing like Bhastrika can increase sympathetic output.
Parasympathetic Activation (Rest-and-Digest)
Vagal Nerve Stimulation:
Prolonged, slower breathing, especially when exhalations are longer than inhalations, stimulates the vagus nerve. This increases vagal tone, which inhibits the sympathetic nervous system, leading to a calmer state.
Lung Receptors:
Stretching of the lung tissue during deep breathing activates sensory receptors (SARs) that send inhibitory signals to the brainstem, contributing to a parasympathetic response.
Brainstem Modulation:
This stimulation influences the cardiorespiratory centers in the brainstem, harmonizing the heart and respiration rhythms and reducing stress responses.
Sympathetic Activation (Fight-or-Flight)
Rapid Breathing:
Some dynamic breathing exercises, such as Bhastrika pranayama, can increase sympathetic activity, preparing the body for action rather than rest.
Right Nostril Breathing:
This technique is associated with increased sympathetic nervous system activity by activating the left hemisphere of the brain.
Did you know that you can regulate your heart beat with your breath? Down regulate or up regulate. The same with our nervous system? With practice we can calm ourselves in one breath. We can also activate our system with the breath by increasing our heart rate and blood pressure. This relationship between the breath, heart rate, lungs and nervous system is how we balance our bodies and also known as heart rate variability, a significant measure of general health. In fact the breath is now implicated in many aspects of our health and wellbeing, influencing sleep, diet, activity level, stress response, anxiety, emotional regualtion and lots more. Functional lung capacity is also an indicator or longevity.
When you breathe in, your heart rate tends to increase along with a slight rise in blood pressure (really slight), and when you breathe out, both tends to decrease. This natural variation in heart rate during the breathing cycle is known as respiratory sinus arrhythmia (RSA) and is a manifestation of the interaction between the heart and the autonomic nervous system and the heart and the lungs work together to maintain balance in our bodies. This change in breathing/heart rate is healthy and indicates a flexible and responsive autonomic nervous system.
Some people may mistakenly think we need a steady and consistent heart rate which is not entirely true, though of course we don’t want a disregulated heart rate or breathing pattern on a daily basis pr when at rest. The reason that that's not realistic to try to have one consistent rate, is that it's natural that when we exert ourselves or put our bodies under stress, our heart rate will increase to help us initiate other systems in the body to support us in managing the ‘stressor'. That stress can be voluntary (exercise, altitude, effort etc) or involuntary (trauma, acute stress without anticipating it etc). In elected stress situations, we would then expect a relatively easy and smooth return to regulation to take place. The problems start to happen when we can't re-regulate comfortably and quickly once the stressful situation has ended.
The pace and depth of your breathing influence the duration of each breathing cycle (i.e., one inhalation and exhalation = 1 cycle) and consequently the intervals between heartbeats. Slow, deep, diaphragmatic breathing is associated with a longer exhalation phase, which can lead to increased Heart Rate Variability and a more coherent heart rhythm. Learning to consciously slow the breath is helpful when so many people are habitually over breathing/shallow breathing daily!
Slow, controlled breathing, especially with that emphasis on extending the exhalation, stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system. This PNS activation promotes relaxation, reduces stress, and enhances the rest-and-digest response; as a result, heart coherence is promoted.
As we said earlier, although it may sound counter-intuitive, a healthy heart does not beat at a perfectly regular interval and typically there are slight variations in the timing between beats eg., during exercise, sleep, meditation, exertion etc it will vary. This is good and demonstrates that we are moving between different aspects of our nervous system in healthy ways because our heart rate variability is influenced by the direct interplay between the sympathetic (fight-or-flight) and parasympathetic (rest-and-digest) branches of the autonomic nervous system.
There are several major benefits to coming into coherence through our breathing:
Emotional Regulation: Heart coherence is often linked with positive emotions such as love, gratitude, and compassion. It is thought to help regulate emotional responses, reduce anxiety, and enhance emotional resilience.
Stress Reduction: Practices that promote heart coherence can lead to decreased levels of the stress hormone cortisol and overall relaxation of the nervous system.
Cognitive Clarity: Heart coherence is believed to improve cognitive function, leading to enhanced decision-making, problem-solving, and mental clarity.
Physical Health: Consistently experiencing heart coherence may have positive effects on cardiovascular health, immune function, and overall well-being.
Functional breathing refers our day to day breathing and the things that help us optimise it. It's typically used in sports performance and altitude training (Oxygen Advantage), or for support with conditions such as sleep apnoea, COPD/ lung disease, long Covid, or asthma in its Buteyko form.
Functional breathing plays a crucial role in influencing heart coherence (see above) through its impact on the autonomic nervous system, specifically the balance between the sympathetic and parasympathetic branches, and the activation of vagal tone (which we will cover in another post) and the way the body communicates through the network of nerves in our body out into the peripheral nervous system.
Shallow breathing or hyperventilation breathing will, over time, have an enormous impact on many areas of our wellbeing but it’s something we can intentionally correct and learn to regulate. We need to be breathing well for our oxygenated blood to be delivered (by our Co2 & nitric oxide produced in the nose = nose breathing is best day to day!) to our vital organs and across our blood brain barrier. Experiencing brain fog? Could be a lack of oxygen getting to where it needs to go.
There are a range of breathing techniques which can modulate this balance and promote an intentional state of heart coherence, which in turn regulate blood pressure, hormonal activation, and heart rate in general, improving our response patterns to life and all it throws at us! We shift from re-activity to choice and response.
Better breathing = better health = better life…..what do you think?
Check out our instagram for more breathing tips!
Different techniques can shift the balance: longer exhalations increase parasympathetic activity, while some rapid breathing like Bhastrika can increase sympathetic output.
Parasympathetic Activation (Rest-and-Digest)
Vagal Nerve Stimulation:
Prolonged, slower breathing, especially when exhalations are longer than inhalations, stimulates the vagus nerve. This increases vagal tone, which inhibits the sympathetic nervous system, leading to a calmer state.
Lung Receptors:
Stretching of the lung tissue during deep breathing activates sensory receptors (SARs) that send inhibitory signals to the brainstem, contributing to a parasympathetic response.
Brainstem Modulation:
This stimulation influences the cardiorespiratory centers in the brainstem, harmonizing the heart and respiration rhythms and reducing stress responses.
Sympathetic Activation (Fight-or-Flight)
Rapid Breathing:
Some dynamic breathing exercises, such as Bhastrika pranayama, can increase sympathetic activity, preparing the body for action rather than rest.
Right Nostril Breathing:
This technique is associated with increased sympathetic nervous system activity by activating the left hemisphere of the brain.
Brain Activity and Emotional Regulation
Brain Wave Modulation:
Pranayama practice can alter EEG brain wave patterns, with increased alpha waves observed, indicating a state of relaxed wakefulness and improved focus.
Emotional Processing Centers:
Functional MRI studies show that pranayama can decrease activity in the amygdala and anterior cingulate cortex, brain regions involved in emotional processing, leading to reduced anxiety and negative emotions.
Cognitive Function:
Changes in brain connectivity, particularly in the prefrontal cortex and insula, are linked to decreased anxiety and improved awareness.
Balance and Control
Hemispheric Balance:
Practices involving both nostrils and smooth, dynamic movements can balance both the left and right hemispheres of the brain.
Mind-Will Connection:
Strengthening the mind-will connection through pranayama helps to regulate the autonomic nervous system more effectively, promoting voluntary control over involuntary functions.
Physiology of long pranayamic breathing: Neural respiratory ...
It has been suggested that pranayama “balances” the autonomic nervous system through stretch-induced inhibitory signals of abdomin...
Physiology of long pranayamic breathing: neural ... - PubMed
During inspiration, stretching of lung tissue produces inhibitory signals by action of slowly adapting stretch receptors (SARs) an...
National Institutes of Health (NIH) | (.gov)
Discussion Proposed physiological mechanisms of pranayama
30 Jan 2024 — After a review of various pranayama, a group of scientists reported that pranayama might modulate ventricular performan...
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Childhood trauma causes the neurocircuitry of our brain to go awry. Instead of growth, our default state is survival in hostile conditions. Developmentally, the emotional part of our brain gets arrested at that time period. And it affects how we think about ourselves and how we relate to the outside world. The core of who I am, which is located in our Default Mode Network (DMN) gets warped.
The higher the number of ACEs we suffer the greater the damage to our developing brain. Thus affecting the proper connectivity of the DMN. Rightly so, the default mode network has been likened to our center of gravity – our default state of being – unworthy, unlovable, bad for those with abusive legacies.
Childhood trauma affects the neurocircuitry of our brain
Rumination and being stuck in that time loop is what keeps us prisoners of the past. More so, those bloody thoughts have a mind of their own. We cannot just wish them away. Though there are lots of articles on how meditation helps to control our monkey brain, in the case of trauma, we are dealing with demons. Honestly, I have never been able to meditate.
Sadly, even though we may escape from our childhood toxicity, our brain has been wired to not just seeing the glass half empty but also crawling with maggots. Like a broken record, our mind keeps replaying memories of the days gone by. The pain, the helplessness, the rage, the injustice keep our default mode network (DMN) in an overdrive.
What is the Default Mode Network?
American neurologist Marcus E. Raichle noticed that even when one is seemingly not doing anything, a set of brain regions show a significant activation ‘signal.’ He called it the Default Mode Network or the resting state network.
The Default Mode Network is located in both the medial prefrontal cortex (mPFC) and the posterior cingulate cortex (PCC). It also includes the precuneus, the orbitofrontal cortex, the anterior cingulate gyrus, the inferolateral temporal cortex, the parahippocampal gyrus, and the lateral parietal cortex.
However, one must note that different people have different configurations in the DMN. It all boils down to what were your experiences when growing up. Childhood trauma disrupts optimal brain wiring. This, in turn, alters the normal connectivity of the DMN. Thus even though the amygdala is not normally active while one in DMN states, those suffering of PTSD show connectivity that also includes the amygdala.
This is the reason why we are hypervigilant, hyperaroused and hyper-ruminating even when we are resting.
Furthermore, it is one of the reasons why most of us suffer from sleep disorders. This messed up neurocircuitry results in chronic activation of the stress center – the Hypothalamus-Pituitary-Adrenal Axis.
Additionally, the DMN is also the place in the brain where psychological pain is stored. This is not surprising considering it the seat of our self.
Changing The DMN
Since the DMN is the self-referential processing center, recalibrating our DMN is critical to changing our twisted self-view. Wish that were easy, think the change and become the new you.
One of the most debilitating effects of complex-PTSD is those bloody intrusive thoughts. It seems like they have a mind of their own. You are unable to just change their corrosive hold on your present. It affects how you think about yourself and how you view your current reality.
Failure to deactivate the default mode during demanding tasks is associated with numerous mental illnesses.
However, the default mode is deactivated when we use the Task-Positive Network (TPN) — also known as the Central Executive Network (CEN) or the Cognitive Control Network (CCN).
The Business of Survival -Task Positive Network
In contrast to the DMN, the Task-Positive Network (TPN) is most active during cognitive tasks – like when we are studying or working or problem-solving – basically doing tasks that require our attention. The DMN and the TPN are often seen as opposing networks.
Nonetheless, when one is going through depression interactions between these networks change. Outwardly we may go through the motions of living while battling with the demons inside our heads. Though the TPN is trying to get on with the task the DMN’s hold is tenaciously crippling.
Many of us survived our dysfunctional childhood by ignoring the drama around and learning to survive. We did this by learning to maneuver our way around our environments. We suppressed our emotions and became a good girl, the people pleaser and helpful kind soul ignoring our own needs and feelings. As we grew up we accepted our fate and ended up being codependents. Always busy focussing on saving the world while we were dying inside.
Unable To Snap Out of It
But feelings buried alive never die. They slowly start coloring our relationships. We become resentful and may resort to passive-aggressive methods of dealing with our seething rage. Either we blow up or internalize it becoming severely depressed.
How do we change this faulty brain wiring? Complex-PTSD is like being stuck in a shit-hole and you don’t have the energy to get out. One just cannot ‘snap out of it’, nor can we take some magic pill and reset our broken brain. Most psychiatric drugs have proved ineffective in the long-term. Recently, though psychedelic research has proven to be effective in resetting the DMN. Unfortunately, they are still banned and not easily available.
How do we change our default mode of thinking, feeling, surviving into a revitalized purposeful existence? How can one flip the switch from the DMN to TPN?
The Watchman – The Salience Network
The Salience Network (SN) as the name suggests is a network in our brain that decodes the salience or importance of sensory or emotional stimuli. It is the watchman that decides what to focus on while recruiting relevant functional networks, namely the TP towards action.
It is primarily composed of the anterior insula (AI) and the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (dACC). Normally, the salience network mediates a switch between the DMN and TP.
However, childhood trauma essentially disrupts the smooth switching from one network to the other. Living in survival mode we are either too stuck in our freeze state of learned helplessness or doormats or we are hyper-focussed on getting the love we were denied by becoming people pleasers and codependents. Both states detrimentally affect our mental health, usually, we end up severely depressed.
In PTSD, the salience network is actively scanning for threats.
Activating the Connection Between the 3 Networks
The 3 networks DMN, TPN and SN synchronicity for optimal mental well-being
Getting the 3 networks to smooth connectivity again entails changing our salience network first. Most self-help dwells on trying to be mindful of our thoughts. I think meditation and mindfulness are over-hyped as a cure for mental illness. Those bloody intrusive thoughts have a mind of their own. You are just unable to just change their corrosive hold on your present.
The magic is changing the salience network’s focus from survival to self-care – I matter. Remember, the law of neuroplasticity neurons that fire together wire together.
Those of us who lived through neglectful and abusive childhoods have had to live through severe lack. We may not be able to buy love but we definitely learn to indulge ourselves in little and big ways.
Take the smallest action you can. Those tiny baby steps matter. Give yourself credit and applause for even small changes you make. Small changes will eventually lead to big transformations.
1) Somatic Therapy
Start with the body, find ways to nurture it, make it feel good. If you can afford, go for a massage, a facial or buy a new outfit. These things matter we are somatic creatures and anything that makes our body feel good definitely makes our mind also feel good.
Even the daily practice of putting some makeup on helps. The soothing feel of the blusher on my cheeks, around my forehead, the tip of my chin makes me feel beautiful. Ah, do keep a picture of your fave idol near your dresser. I keep Queen Letizia’s photo. Love her style. I begin feeling like a queen.
According to neuroscientist James Doty,
“the brain doesn’t distinguish between an experience that is intensely imagined and an experience that is real”
2) Exercise -Keep it Simple
When one is depressed even the thought of exercising is stressful. Moreover, one’s mind will ways to circumvent our good intentions. But some form of exercise is a must.
I have found simple but effective exercises that utilize both the body and mind – crawling and horse-stance. And the best part is they hardly take a minute. I do them 4 times a day, before meals. My mind has become habituated to doing them, my default state is exercise before meals just like taking medicine before meals.
3) Cultivate a Hobby
There is nothing like switching from default mode rumination to task mode like actually doing something with your hands – something you enjoy doing, something that forces you to focus. Remember changing the focus of the salience network.
I find the act of baking really gets me off my default state. The act of measuring, mixing, filling, baking and finally the awesome aroma wafting around the house has been crucial to rewiring my brain. What is great about having a hobby is as you get better, it changes your perception of who you think you are. I am actually good at this – is a great shift from the worthless, useless message I carried in my head.
4) Finding Connections
Interpersonal neurobiology is a real thing – we are affected by people and visa versa. Moreover, when one is healing one is more susceptible to toxic human interaction. I did not realize how much a friend was affecting me until I moved away from her. Negative behavior is a reminder of our past and triggers us back to the ”unworthy child state.’
Additionally, I have found the various Facebook closed groups very helpful in getting a perspective on what is bothering me. The best, of course, is getting a competent therapist to help you change your self-perspective that you are not good enough. One positive enlightened witness is all one needs to change out the default state of not being good enough.
5) Novel, Exciting Experiences
Travel to new places is the best way to shift our thought process. In strange and new situations, our TPN has to come online. One just cannot navigate new environments while in autopilot DMN.
I found food foraging mind-shifting. I’d be so focussed on finding coconuts and mangoes that I’d forget that my father called me a hunchback or my grandmother acted mean. For those 2 hours, I’d be in a different state – focussed ready to grab that luscious fruit.
6) The Power Of Prayer
Reciting or even listening to mantras, psalms, and prayers shifts our mind from the default state of hopelessness to one of hope. Praying is a form of task-positive concentration activity it reduces the activity of the DMN. Faith and belief are critical to healing. It has been proved that prayer literally changes the brain and change our lives.
I find Psalm 23 The Lord is my Shephard and Psalm 91 Whoever goes to the Lord for safety very effective in moving my mental state from hopelessness to hope,
Neuroplasticity is real and miracles do happen. All you need to do is change your focus, crank-up your Salience Network, slowly nudging your Task-Positive Network to get into the groove, once these two nodes are up and functional your default state is bound to change. You will see yourself and the world in a different light. The law of attraction states, it all starts with intention – what you focus on you create.
Our nervous system is geared towards movement. This is primarily why I became a yoga teacher four years ago. I realised that my lifestyle limited my movement and I was unhappy. We are meant to move for up to 8 hours a day. I reckon I was doing two hours. My knees were not working and I was scheduled for a double knee replacement. My trajectory was not great. I decided to change my life. Becoming a yoga teacher added accountability into my life. It was a scary move especially when you consider the earning potential of a yoga teacher, or basically the lack of earning potential. But I had listened to this excuse from my coaching clients and I knew it was a bottomless pit of self-doubt and excuses. I made the decision that happiness was more important for me than a fancy car!
Secondly, diet.
I'm not a nutritionist but I have realised through advice from my friend Caron who is a nutional therapist that food really is our medicine. The most significant aspect of my diet change is alcohol. Alcohol is rocket fuel. The less I drink the calmer my nervous system. Alternatives to pharmaceuticals have long been used ot calm our nervous system including ashwaganda, passion flower and lemon balm.
Thirdly, work.
When it comes to how we spend our time and effort work is what we call it. I've learnt two important things about work. Firstly, what we long to do is inside of us otherwise we wouldn't have the longing. Secondly, we are not responsible for the outcome. We are responsible for the effort. One of the most effective uses of our nervous system is when we are in flow. Flow is a heighted state of attention. It's the optimal functioning of our effort. Finding work that gives us a sense of purpose and meaning is about finding flow.
The alternative is stress and burnout.
Fourthly, rest.
Ten minutes per day of meditative deep rest is in the top 3 health benefits proposed by Huberman from his meta analysis of health related studies. In yoga savasana or rest is described as the most important yoga pose. Sleep is also now accepted as a vital component of health and wellbeing. Lack of sleep is known to cause many chronic lifestyle issues. Our brain and nervous system regenerate with sleep and rest.
hildhood trauma causes the neurocircuitry of our brain to go awry. Instead of growth, our default state is survival in hostile conditions. Developmentally, the emotional part of our brain gets arrested at that time period. And it affects how we think about ourselves and how we relate to the outside world. The core of who I am, which is located in our Default Mode Network (DMN) gets warped.
The higher the number of ACEs we suffer the greater the damage to our developing brain. Thus affecting the proper connectivity of the DMN. Rightly so, the default mode network has been likened to our center of gravity – our default state of being – unworthy, unlovable, bad for those with abusive legacies.
Childhood trauma affects the neurocircuitry of our brain
Rumination and being stuck in that time loop is what keeps us prisoners of the past. More so, those bloody thoughts have a mind of their own. We cannot just wish them away. Though there are lots of articles on how meditation helps to control our monkey brain, in the case of trauma, we are dealing with demons. Honestly, I have never been able to meditate.
Sadly, even though we may escape from our childhood toxicity, our brain has been wired to not just seeing the glass half empty but also crawling with maggots. Like a broken record, our mind keeps replaying memories of the days gone by. The pain, the helplessness, the rage, the injustice keep our default mode network (DMN) in an overdrive.
Ian McGilchrist philosopher, neuroscientist and author wrote 'The Master and his Emissary,' a book about hemispheric differences in the brain and their relationship to societal culture. He talks about how Western culture is seduced by thinking left hemispheric thinking as the way to live. And yet by all accounts it's the right hemisphere that brings us a more meaning and purposeful existence.
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